Oxford (notes)

I probably should start by disqualifying myself from this conversation on Porn Addiction-
after all I'm part of the problem- I'm a playboy playmate who's home videos were stolen, spliced together and sold on the black market- without recourse- fed into the mainstream media for the whole world to watch -
a married couple celebrating their lives together -
which included making love andin our case running around naked most the time-- making home movies- I've never seen the 'sex tape' that started a desperate trend with other 'on the verge' celebrities -
-  We started to fight it.
But, It was humiliating and frustrating- I was told that because of my Playboy-background- I had no right to privacy'? the depositions were insensitive and creepy- they blew up naked playboy photos of me and placed them in my view- there were 5 men refiling questions at me about my sex life with that white stuff in the corners of their mouths.
I could barely comprehend what they were saying - I just kept thinking -Grown men are looking at me with such hatred - It made me feel worthless, scared and confused.
What did we do wrong?- We didn't want this to happen? It was stolen from us- It was not meant for others to see -
I was in constant tears.
I was 7 months pregnant with my youngest baby -Dylan - We had also had our baby Brando at home-
The stress was too much.
We decided as a family that it was not in our best interest to continue- It wasn't worth the health of me and more importantly our son to fight it anymore -
The damage was done-  it was already out there-
We were offered money by awful porn distributors but wouldn't take it--  
It would be dirty money- we were not for sale.
It was not a choice we made
for fame or for money--
there was no sleazy self promoting motivation behind it-
like some other
manufactured and desperate celebrity sex tapes that soon followed.

I blame this in part - escalating the end of my Marriage -
it was too much -
I guess it was inevitable,
then - after some time,
I married another Rock star -
I was trying to re-create a family for my kids-
replacing one with another- it was unfair to my new husband- he took the brunt of all my unresolved feelings-- there was no hope-
though he took us in as his own and tried very hard-- the
the lifestyle seemed to be another toxic environment for love to grow- and I regret putting my kids throw another failed marriage.
Years later, I married an old friend who seemed to change his life -
But, addictions like to cross paths. As I learned unfortunately.
I had to find out the hard way.
But, I am grateful to him in some ways - this specific and painful journey Is what inspired the debate within myself--
Self Worth.
I'm well aware -
my track record isn't one of a saint ...
And it may seem hypocritical- not a self proclaimed 'sex symbol', but still-
complaining about porn-- and prostitute addiction - as who Im perceived to be-

I have been on my own for over a year now-  on purpose and a practice-
looking at my life -
taking stock -
and realizing a lot -
I have a unique perspective--
Being surrounded by dark, addictive behaviors and witnessing how they can effect romantic love -
I am a romantic--
Smokey Robinson once told me one night at the mansion - consoling me over a recent divorce-
He said don't worry Baby.
You're a romantic. You just keep trying.
I believed him.  It made me feel better.

I am a sensually driven woman., I am not a prude--
there lays the frustration-
great sex-
is not porn... far from it.
If you've been treated like a porn star or a prostitute you might relate- it's not fun to be slapped around - flipped all over, spit on and called a whore? It's sick, it's hurtful - demeaning -and it's terrible, terrible sex -
as society desensitizes
through the easily available explicit imagery on the internet- at any age - witnessing bad behavior-
we go numb,
and become neglectful- neglect is a form of abuse and is also used to manipulate.

People who kiss and tell are usually liars.

Relationships are suffering- in very painful ways--

My goal isn't to 'stop the internet' (though it once was-) I've grown to understand that's not the answer. That their is a higher purpose in sharing information this way.
It is a simple idea-

I'm am
afraid the world might forget how to make love--

the quick easy fix of masturbation -
leaves us all relieved and frustrated at the same time-

too much access,
too many young people accessing images of what they think love may look like?

there is not enough mystery - gone are the days of finding your father's playboy -
innocent exploration, titillation - the girl next door?- smiling semi nude women - being cheeky and flirty - what's wrong with that?.
It just may be a taste of what turned out to be a darker trend- but- raunchy
Porn killed Playboy too-
like Video killed the radio star...
the sexual revolution along with its good parts. Also gave us really bad sex.

I thought I had the market cornered- in some ways.
I lived a dream few have - I very much enjoyed the freedom and beauty at the Playboy mansion. Experiencing and truly
living a sensual life.
Making sexy bold choices-
As I still do.
I won't give up.

some people say-
oh, she's just getting old
and jealous--
that's partly true-
I'm getting old -
I'm genuinely concerned-
I'm concerned about Violence against women or any living being.

So now with Age comes insight.
I look at my past -

I was born in a very small town on Vancouver Island-my parents were very young when they had me 18 and 19-
my dad was a chimney sweep slash poker player-
my mom was a waitress-
since I 'made it big'? They didn't have to pay a bill.
They were able to retire. They are still together -
I'm proud to say--
they have gone through a lot- but stuck it out--
through thick and thin--
I am grateful they are together now--
even though I'm not sure they modeled a healthy relationship - What is a healthy relationship?
they have both had healthscares at different times over the last few years. Dad's mellowed out with old age - and have they have been there for each other--
that's the goal- to have someone to live our entire lives with-- I wish that for all if you - and
those seeds must be planted now-

I was worried, as I seemed to provoke
obsession and jealousy-
I felt I made people crazy-- mistaking that for crazy in love -therefore making me impossible too. It takes 2, to implode a relationship.
- I still romanticize the good times and I even have regrets -- and questions,
maybe a separation ?
and hard work in therapy might
have been the better option?

I have found every relationship represents me at that time-- more broken than the last--

I'd rather be alone right now
than hold up another mirror -

I have work to do-
this is part of it - sharing my experience - it may help others and therefore help me too.

A humble beginning taught me how to work hard--
untreated addiction in my family taught me about fear...
I was molested by my female babysitter somewhere between the ages of 6-8 yrs old? I was raped at 13 yrs old by a man who was teaching me how to play backgammon-
I had violent boyfriends, violent husbands... a violent father at times , and at risk angry brother - who suffered too- I see the trend--
it must stop-

I had no control over my life,
my body-
my desires--
I was programmed --
When I was approached by Playboy I initially said no-- when they kept approaching me-
I finally said yes because I was in a an unhealthy relationship-
2 weeks before my wedding day--
I ran away to LA-
to be on the cover of Playboy-
Playboy saved my life-
Playboy was my university--
I learned EVERYTHING there-

I moved to LA in '89,
I married in 1995 -
We had 2 beautiful boys (who are now 18, 20) as a mother I have now had to learn about social media, Instagram -
public pollution- I like to call it-
Our self worth is not determined by how many likes or followers we have--

I only loved the attention on my terms- not the tabloids -
I eventually learned to tune it out- we all need that trick.

We are all creating our own myth-
Literally- with editing apps and photoshop sometimes-
It's fantasy-
Less aware of where we end and the world begins-

I am proposing a sensual Revolution-
Not CensorshipThis is not the Governments issue.
Though Putin seemed to nip it in the bud- (a concern for free speech - but addressing the problem his way.)
This is our issue.
I am a Mother.
My boys-
both are romantics-
they have witnessed a lot of love, a lot of despair -- and despite at this time, with their imperfect rockstar parents. They are not self absorbed, or have entitlement issues. They are my miracles.
I know they will find loving lasting relationship-
they are brave and not bitter- they would take that chance-
I've sat with them through tears about girlfriends-
Even at their age with
so many options/dating apps?-- they crave meaning and good girls who respect themselves.
when I've heard the word "hook up? Used loosely among their friends.
I have had to have deep, sit down - 'that's enough' conversations about that--
I tell them to be careful-
if they disrespect women
they disrespect me--

Brandon is much more sensitive than he lets on- he's the actor so his flare for drama is a bonus -he is learning his limits, applying self discipline- determined and ambitious.

Dylan is the Buddha--
zen like-- 'butterfly boy' we called him- butterflies would land on him as a baby- he has a calmness about him that is inviting -but also protects him
He's a musical artist - and, innately sees through people and their intentions.
he has boundaries behind that mega watt mischievous smile-

they both teach me so much-- just by watching them grow-- and by giving them advice-
we are giving advice to ourselves -
I like to take
A technology vacations-- I did for 6 months. It improved all my relationships and weeded some out. Taking time away from devices leaves time to meet someone's eyes from across the room-
Linger on that, blush-
feel that feeling.

Cell phones make it too easy
to access each other-
or keep tabs on one another-- how can trust ever be built-
on a soul level-
when you can click on someone's current location-
I'm guilty of that one-

Feeling that deep connection- the lightening bolt-
cou'd a foudre...
the dance--
wait for 'the one'-
The best for last.
I've had a wildly romantic and fun life--
I am taking time out to discover something - a social experiment
that might bring back enduring happiness--
people are meant to be together into their old age-
the family is what will save us--
We can create our own families.
Consistent human connection- compassion for all living beings, if it's what we eat, what we wear, we just need to love.
Empathy
energized,
inspired to take chances-
to share and
give back.
Activism is sexy. An engaged with the world empathy.

depression means
purposeless mess--
We must find our purpose.
that's where Joy is--

We are ALL climate refugees- we are all in the same boat- we must take care of each other -

We imprint on ourselves what we watch and listen too- numbness--
desensitization--
a protective layer- fear--political tactics, bullying-- porn-
We can't get rid of porn,
the internet or the news--
but- we can chose for ourselves what we do with our time--
There are plenty of people -someone to talk to -
to help-- to love,

Human connection, fun, conversation-
courtship, seduction--
a lost art.

Porn and prostitute addiction is self serving--
it also contributes to sex trafficking,
pedophiles, child abuse and
rape--
fetishes that are turning violent- and escalating.
They have no meaning--
or productive value - in society.

I hope to plant a seed- that
making love between 2 committed people is the best sex I've ever had-

Maybe I'm "new fashioned"-- I'm sick of the
'trying too hard' TTH we used go call it. A turn off.

When I fantasize-
I fantasize about a family ,
a loving husband--
holding hands on the beach-- cooking for a table of friends and family--
someone to laugh with,
to cry with,
to share the world with,
to tackle problems together with
and age together-
in a fun loving way like best friends-

be brave -
do not give up -

soon sex will become virtual-

An androgynous sexless empire-

I think most of us still want someone
that we desire -
to desire us back-

Some people can no longer get aroused by another person in the flesh-
some have been addicted to porn since their first exposure to sexual feelings-

For some its only been on line masturbation - fear of human contact. They've over stimulated themselves.  
It keeps taking more. Something stranger and possibly worse to get that thrill.
Even a Viagra, Cialis epidemic.
-
Being a 'sex symbol'-
I may have some authority on this subject--
And
I've done almost 50 years of research.

Thank you
I wish you all great wild uninhibited sexual
Experiences within a loving and respectful relationship.
❤️