The most obvious first question is how did you two—a iconic sex symbol and a world renowned rabbi—form this unlikely collaboration and come to write a book about love and sex?
*We have mutual friends- My neighbors in Malibu are the Addelsons- We know each other as active parents- and they happened to share with their dear friend Rabbi Shmuley the fact that I was an incredible Mother— Shmuley was curious to know how my public and private image were polar opposites— he wanted to recognize the good things in me— and the conversation began there- He agreed with some friends of mine— that I might be the most famous unknown person in the world- I was going through a difficult time in my relationship and was ending a marriage. He had so much wisdom- He helped me a lot- in my case there was no way to save the destructive path I was on romantically and that marriage sadly ended- We both agreed we should write a book- then we decided it might be a crazy idea— we should attempt to write one together— I’m very proud of what we have done here— it covers a lot of bases— I wasn’t interested in revealing my personal struggles by exposing others—
but we found away to have the discussion in a way that inspires and protects the privacy of loved ones-
It’s more about love’s future and what that is now—
a study and observation-
and ways we might be able to make it better?
How did the differences in your lives, careers, and outlooks help make the book better?
We come from very different places—but I love art and that includes the art of religion , faith, mythology and poetry- so there are many similarities in the way our minds work- and how faith plays a vital role in both of our lives.
You didn’t always agree on every idea put forth by the book. How did the nuts and bolts of the collaboration work? this is what makes it so interesting—
We all have a different opinion when it comes to love especially and what we as a society and in history we are told what love is— now it seems to be based on pornography and both of us agree that is not what love looks like- but it is a good conversation starter —
Why do so many marriages and long-term partnerships become sexless and platonic?
Lack of imagination or taking your partner for granted— a lost art- chivalry, the dance— it must remain— my parents are great examples to me- and it’s just too easy now to swipe right or left and find multiple partners—
"Today, this kind of romance is so rare as to appear almost quaint. Some men are too afraid. They don’t want to pursue a woman because they don’t want to get hurt. Opening their heart, after all, takes bravery, and in the modern sexual marketplace, that kind of bravery is not rewarded. Other men have come to have their sensuality deadened or dulled by the easy availability of sex. Sexual consumerism has raised the risks for men of opening their hearts to women, but it has also drastically lowered the risks involved in seeking sex from women.
Many men have become stuck in this contradiction: they don’t have to risk much of anything to get sex, and they don’t have to convince women of their romantic interest in order to get it. In fact, the opposite is often true: some women give themselves over in every way to a man—even on the 1st date—to prove their worth to him. But it doesn’t work, because there’s no incentive to remain committed to her, no choosing, no special-ness, no loyalty. She doesn’t need to inspire him, she needs only to sleep with him.
She has offered him nothing to make him better, and he manages to go through the motions of romantic attraction without being enriched by it. She has sacrifice her feminine power by giving it away and letting it be consumed by uncontrolled masculine energy. In this way, neither men nor women stand to benefit from the civilizing effect of romantic courtship.”
What elements of our lives in the twenty-first century contribute most to this loss of passion and intimacy in our relationships?
the computer really is a culprit in removing intimacy, the telephone, the the cell phone-social media— Video games -why settle for someone in your neighborhood- when you can meet people anywhere - and change partners often- it has taught people to lie and lead empty lives—
I cannot have detached sex- it is boring-
Anais Nin had some great quotes on this subject regarding the telephone- and her worries for intimacy—
we explore a lot of this in the book -
The book comes down pretty hard on pornography and the vulgarization of sex. These seem ubiquitous in our media and internet age. Why and how can we combat them?
This is up to the individual —I can only tell you my opinion- Shmuley too- we don’t agree where the line should b drawn-
and you don’t have to agree with us—
we just want people to remember each other— our living,
breathing companions- and if pornography is replacing sex with your partner— it might be an addiction to be addressed- it’s numbing and a bit lazy-
just to masturbate all day to strangers- when you have a human being in your life- that needs the layers peeled back and recognized-
accepted and fought for- this is where the good sex is— the blissful moments- that can only be experienced within love and commitment.
You call for a sensual revolution to replace the sexual revolution the began in the 1960s. Was the sexual revolution a failures?
The sexual revolution gave us a lot of great freedoms and a new way to experience relationships-
but it gave us really bad sex in my opinion - I have a lot of friends from this time that said Free Love just made them lonely -
Bad sex- an emptiness.. that left a lot of people lonely
What do you mean by a sensual revolution? Is it just about the bedroom?
Be engaged in the world -
the romantic struggle- free the world by education, conversation-and making love. going to museums.. draw, paint, dance— the artists are the real freedom fighters— find the artist in yourself- and life with passion- empathy— and as you learn you evolve and change and your lover can only stay interested in person growing before their eyes—
The book talks about the erotic minds of females and males. Are they different? How do couples bridge the gap?
There are obvious differences - even our anatomy -
and then the subtle ones
I like to celebrate our differences-
I like to celebrate the things only women can do - like giving birth.
and our differences and even differences in societal beliefs. Strength, providers etc can be fun. And beautiful to play with.
they become puzzle pieces--
What are some ways that couples can reintroduce eroticism into their relationship?
Shmuley has the best advice— you must get the book- but this is not a self help book by any means- it is a conversation-it is just the beginning—
It is an endless conversation. I think it’s very timely to start talking about intimacy and what that looks like now. And how it might be in danger of extinction.
Pamela, given your celebrity, to the outside world it would seem like you could never lack love.
How did you find the bravery to speak out about your own need for passion and intimacy?
Again- little of this book is personal anecdotes— I was pressured into even revealing the small amounts I did— but obviously something propelled me into writing this book - I am just a girl with the same hopes and dreams as many. I believe in love.
I want it all.
You have two sons, Pamela, What message about love and intimacy would you hope to impart to them—and how do you do it on a day to day basis?
My boys are romantics —
and this is what I’m most proud of - it feels like success -
because you must be brave to be a good lover, a good citizen and good being on this planet— you must have empathy and use your talents and passion to make a difference— I have ultimate faith in my boys—they are beautiful inside and out-
What are some crucial elements to keeping love alive in a long term relationship?
« They say “familiarity breeds contempt.” We wouldn’t go that far.
But it’s actually worse in some ways.
At least contempt is an emotion! Familiarity doesn’t breed contempt. It breeds indifference. That’s the worst thing ever, to become sexually indifferent to your partner, even while you love them. Instead we have to learn to make our familiarity mean something. It should be knowledge of each other, an ability to love each other more expertly, not a blanket to smother everything exciting and sexy about our lives. »
You talk about the loss of feminine love ?
« This is what a man wants. He wants feminine love, to capture it and consume it, to be surrounded by it as he is encircled by a woman’s body when they make love. Instead, today we have the masculinization of love and women’s feminine in uence weakened in relationships. Life was much more romantic when women were more empowered—and relationships were a lot more passionate. »
The book will be released on April 24 2018, pre-order click here