Lilac Wine

Lilac wine

A Gas blue dress

A revolution's dream

Lays on your strong chest

A sailor's…been told…

Sings the well's…bell..

Soft melting skin's nickel to gold…

So hot, tempting an unbearable hell

Concealed, perched low

the huntress lays…

Tischen's bow…

An English maze.

Men are equal…you rise..I fall…

The flesh is mightier.

Firm, tight, and small…

A glamorous mind…forging

a sweet and liquid tongue…

A truth, a funny wisdom…found…

Unpredictable…scattered…free yet bound…

Wild and wrong.

Soft…and fast.

A perfect song…

It can last…

And last…and last…

And that's…a dangerous wicked past…

hot and cold

Rewards are slow…

A beaten path…a perfect show

Anew with limbs and irrevocable harm

A golden ear…a broken arm

Sail on…my sweet soldier…

And I'll breathe

The deep green sea…in front of me...

I Almost Leave You Every Day

I almost leave you every day -

I will push your limits-

not only In love.

Your lies are your prison,

not mine -

I can leave when I want.

Fear my kindness

Just trying to show you there is an ´Us and ours’

Not just a ´me and mine.

I do for us.

Not just for you

I almost

leave you

every day.

Can I See You Once...

Can I see you once...

Before....

Maybe a sweet rendezvous

In France?

Provence?

Walk with me..

A languid, lazy walk ..

Lay in a field of lavender...ponder the sky.. The clouds...

You can leave me there..

With the bees...

My greatest fear.

I'm so scared of bees.

Leave me there

To be stung .....over and over,

A million times..

to death,

...do us part...

This fantasy might be over...

What is real?

Yesterday or tomorow?

Day or night?

Reality or a dream...

You are a dream..

A king of kings...

Loves of danger

A matter of heart

A message in a bottle.

A museum..

Heaven can wait..

Him

Him

Why.. Tortured thoughts.

Linger

Smells

Taste

Desertion of love

Change of heart

Smart

The chair of liquid longings traced down to my hips

Tongues and sips..

The wine of wonder

Lost in a blunder's

Choice of reason

not of seduction

I will remember you

It will never end.

My heart is open.

Like my hot wet mouth

A deserving man.

I'll ache and pine

Yet free from harm.

Love may set me free.

Breathe

Blind eyes of green.

I can't see you

I know you..

I feel you..

You are swimming

in my soul..

A Troubled Heart

A troubled heart.

Choices I need you to make. I can see the outcome.

But ...

I don't want to hurt you. I see you're a winner. I'm who'll lose.

And I'm not playing games.  Just existing down the street. I only write when I have to. My thoughts are constant. A flow. More than you should know. They veer to here and there. They aren't sensible. They are somehow appreciated though. I'll stay my way for awhile. Not sure where to land. Circling the runway.

I wonder if this makes sense. If I let you lead this. It will be a sexual fling like I've had before. I need provocation. The magic of loves twists and turns. I have to stay alone. My boys need my full attention. Somehow I know where I'm headed. But this is too quick. Too much. Too wrong. Not right. I need direction. The director. Where is he. Call me.

Do I know What I Want

Do I know what I want.

I paint pictures and bring to life- at another's expense.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Twisted, scared or a wild insatiable beast. I’m trying to sit still

Restless as all hell- my mind wanders in a frozen body.

Dare not continue down the physical path of distrust..

I wont. This is my practice. My new beginning- lessons.

Everywhere lessons. I see one on the tip of my tongue..

A willow's whisp

A jelly fish

Poisoned

Your Crazy Pamela ..

Your crazy Pamela ..

You'll see me leaving.

I'm heading home-

Walking barefoot on hot lava..

I turn back one last time... And smile...Before.. I step into the ocean....handfuls of smooth pebbles... drop softly at my sides.

I go ..rippling...circles around me...in a salted halo..

sinking ...slowly into the water...my waist, the lizard queen...disappearing ...

My hair floating wet behind me.

I return to my father.

It was fun baby...

Feel me in the smooth cool rocks you skip.

Hear the melody in my voice.

The song I never sang for you resonates in your soul.

I have touched you in ways you can't forget..

As you have touched me...

In another world -you'll find me.

Dancing on a red checkered table cloth...

My hips swaying slowly to the memory of you inside me.

I hold myself - believing your strong arms are still around me.

My eyes are clothed.

A veil - not closed..

I'm alone ...with tear drenched teeth... A fantasy ... Requited..

Aching ribs... And a liquid neck...

It's time to go... My love.

Remember me...

RAW

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she

winter "Blue"

A self-fulfilling prophecy…

he

Johnny "Hot Sausage" Maclean

Loved by most for his dirty stories

and gruff entertaining ways.

A puppet among the un-evolved. A

relentless, never-ending

teenager, with childhood angst.

Drama of a gifted child-Privileged.

Poor in other ways…

Cursed in love.

-Glimmers of

hope-addiction.

Given an opportunity in love.

But cost him $…his best friend…

bye woman.

Screen shot 2019-01-09 at 3.31.15 PM.png

The intensity is

different…I feel you in

my bones…the core of my

being…

you resonate…

I have my encounters, my

friendships. My writing

to them is different…

Hardly poetic, I'd say…

forced? You-it just comes

and comes…I'm mostly

alone…With this smokey

blue jazz bar in my head,

glamorous split gown,

tanned oiled legs, blonde

curls…glossed

mouth…I write, I play

jazz, I make balloon

animals…

I get closer to who I am-when

I'm torturing myself.

You are torture…yet,

This is purely innocent…

I hope you take it that way

…You don't want me-I'm

sure of it..

We might just kill each

other…

But, thank you for your unique friendship…

your golden ear…

Thank you for not hurting me. Or

Squashing my spirit…

I couldn't bear it…

I've been stupid too many times…

here I am …again. Sabotage…

You have left your mark

on me…

I'm grateful… I won't forget…

I shall be more realistic-

I know some good men. Suitors aside…

I'm such a rebel…with my choices…

I should be so lucky…

I'm refocusing… but…

you're such a gentleman…

You are in charge…I must start a life with someone…

asleep in lavender…

My fantasies don't end…

I most obviously love you…

Why do i keep being taken away…

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County line

A spot in time.

An amber blue sunset

For you.

A love unrealized. A wait, a step, a patient prayer.

If it takes forever

I'll be there

I don't want to love you…

Not now

I don't.

But want is a strange word. It's a nagging self-serving

word…I want, I want…is just for me…

So not that word…Give is better.

Need is too…I don't want to be another one who

needs you.

Desire is one thing I dare not do

A fantasy…playful…but thoughts create power.

A burning hope…

A smoke signal-visualize

I see you at the end of my bed…head in hands-

It's ok.

I don't want to be a Dr. Seuss…He always jumps in my head.

The places you'll go.

Green eggs and ham.

He was a genius…

Bukowski too.

Screen shot 2019-01-09 at 3.39.02 PM.png

Ice cream flavored lingerie

Deceptive feeling though

Uncontrollable fixation on you

Beats sweet urges deeper than most.

Imperceptible

Cat power

Punk

Everybody hurts

Feel it

Double agent of love

Float next to you

I wish you happiness

You could only bring me pain

A caress of nails

Walk barefoot on

A wondrous road of broken glass

The blood of love comes as tears

You're in my heart.

A safe warm place

An imaginational never ending honey moon

I'll never be free of these twisted streets

The crossroads of souls entwined

Direction lost

Normality is not enough

With skin and brains and history of fucked up ness

Acceptance.

I'll be around.

Raw

Proceeds from every book purchase go to the Pamela Anderson Foundation

Smoldering

Drawing by Pamela

Drawing by Pamela

I know it's bad for you...


But, this is when I wish,
I had a cigarette-
something I've never tried- (light up)
 some kind of relief..
I wish it was Italy 40 years ago--
The moon rising over the Amphitheater--
to tremendous applause... like Herzog (clap) 
Europeans don't seem to care about silly
 smoking laws?

We do what we want anyway -
behind closed doors--
Our true character, collective complexities.
childish activities -
patterns- genetics?

Attention deficit-
- ...SEX ... a lost art-- a sickness--
Perversions-
Lost sensuality -
The cruel smell of orange blossoms...
I love being in love-- but expectations,
 make it impossible to be happy-
or satisfied...
I've tried... so hard..
maybe it's not in fashion--
Tradition...just seemed so romantic...I guess it's a used up ideal --
for the old fashion...
not modern...frown emoticon 
Female security... lost-
no way--
Coded, and loaded Cell phones, 
Computers --
Ordering sex on line-
is like ordering a book on Amazon--
and ... snooping eats you alive--
A mirrored action. obsessive love...
unhealthy,
hopeless- knocked sideways--
There is always this feeling -
of discontent--
Like something is off...
I can't put my finger on why--
Who wants to be the Warden--
I want out of here-- out of this time --
in space--
 Grey, muted crystals,
 from unsavory places-
bad intentions,
 dull- no fire-- a secret life -
Laying in my hotel bed--
pulling up my stockings- carefully 
re-attaching to the garter- The Cuban heel- the line
 (right on course) 
the works...
Feeling a little guilty-
I started to fantasize--
Il Postino, Pablo Neruda-
Should I go to Capri--?


So frustrated--
burning... questions...
No man knows what to do with me--
I blame myself--
To play with me, is eternal--
I'm not 'on the clock' or...
on the 'payroll'--
rrrr--
I had to get out of the room-
 The velvet stuff and porcelain things
 closing in on me--
What have I done...?


I knew it was wrong from the start--
primitive-- base instinct..
Never marry a rich man...
Euros from a Vagabond..
Just start walking - (Like Jeanne Moreau and 
Miles Davis)
 Never look back-
 There is only beauty ahead,
 Salvation..
 Glory
Rushing...
 I almost forgot where I was-- shit--
My white 
Burberry trench -
- on the floor?


A Park-ay floor... 
(Narration by a deep voiced sexy black guy) 
BG- She stopped to admire it's clever design,
 ME- "So pretty"
BG wrapped herself up---
She snuck out the door with a quiet click,
 and Seamlessly, floating down the hall- (on wire) 
Her Tom Ford feet didn't
touch the ground--
Falling gracelessly into an elevator
playing Nat King Cole's.... Stardust? 
(remembering the movie) 
ME- "Fallen Angel?

"
BG Nobody was up yet-
out into the cool world she goes,
 ME-" Freedom...
I can breathe..."
BG- looking for a little human contact?


Playful seduction?

...
ME- "I'm so Hungry..."
 BG- Her heart was racing---
It was barely dawn --
Bathed in perfect light-
magic hour-- --
ME- "Everyone looks good this early" 
BG- Even cats and hummingbirds
 Was anyone watching her..
 She gazed up into dark windows...
to nobody...
and let the jacket fall loosely around
her shoulders...
The rush coming back- ...
a little lost on purpose,
 Hiding around corners,
 ME- so dangerous-
my body is on fire....
my body is never done-- trouble finds me--
please find me-
 The iron is always hot!"
 BG- She Leaned against the cool wall of a 
stoney church-
It felt good, soothing-
ME- I wonder how prostitution works-


Does it ever feel good?


Lost little souls - being taken advantage of--
or taking advantage of-
Is it just for money?

Is it for attention?


or --- both--
Women suffer-
- Everywhere...
rules, rules, rules--
conflicting needs..
I can't find the answers-- It's an epidemic--
I know I won't compete with a computer, PlayStation,
 or - a gaggle of Hollywood boys hiring poor
 Eastern stolen girls to swallow loaves of bread
up their anus'?

- and make them bark like seals --? 


How does that work?

"
BG- She was disturbed--
How far can she take this?

-- Is it even real?--


ME- "Have we lost men to thin air---
to the Abyss-- to technology and lube-
Flesh is attached to a heart and a brain-
takes effort...and skill...
Where are the great lovers?

-- A lost art...
God , I hope not...
 I've never been to Columbia-- Should I go?

- I really want to go! 
Is this Hysteria?

...
Objectification?


now-- Coming down from the ceiling, dripping in gold glitter--
Dancing with Nureyev- eyes closed---
the dream...
arousing my tenderness,
 A sweet rawness-
feeling bruised and scratched up--
Hypnotic -
Life is sensual-- not a "fix it in post"--
ME- I miss PLAYBOY-
The End of an Era--
Chivalry, elegance-
Celebrated imperfections -
differences... hot---passionate dreamy scenes...
The girl next door-- shyness-- "it's my first time" 
but - not my last....(wink)
-- I'm planning a mysterious coup--
Want to get in on it--
Julian Assange?


Is it healthy, to be fantasied about...
by many men --?


Isn't that the goal-
 How many can we effect --
It's natural-- to want to be desired--
The world creeps up on you--
 and there you are, 
ALL over the place-
 places you never intended to be-- (desert storm?)
(soldiers)
 I am human you know--
left to adjust to the madness-
 No mercy- pay the price-- my fault-
BG- feeling empty, sad-- withdrawn-
Left to Isolate-- Medicate.
 Go to sleep--
ME-NO! I wont- -
ME- You know- It's not freaky enough,
 to just be beautiful--
I've never felt beautiful-
I always felt sexual... and blind..
oh wowwy... I'm losing my mind--
I'm shutting down-- It's such a strange feeling...
going numb... in front of everyone----
It's like a Self inflicted drowning...hard to do--
(Alarm bells!!)---


When did I want to be this thing?

--
To attract what?


When did I go from a curious little girl,
 to an insatiable woman?

Girl on the run...
Femme fatale... devoted and....divided. 
Are we all going crazy?

-
or, is it just me?


Is it that stuff on unwashed vegetables?


When did I lose control over my own heart?

--
When did I start believing,
That this is all I'm good for-
against my better judgement--
fell for it- dammit- it all backfired--
It doesn't feel good to be used, neglected, ignored---
controlled....
I'm not doing this---
It's humiliating - I have to turn this around--
Settling is powerless- desperate--
an illusion--
Can't buy your way out of this one ...buddy!! 
I'm cold- 
(She can't stop laughing..)

Reminds me of a play I wrote --
That one about The Hell's Angels,
 starring -
Steve McQueen and Brigitte Bardot--

The Entr' Acte....

** A car chase-
 She is going on and on (in french) and
 He's just trying to have his way with her-
everything is double entree' Funny/Sexy-(subtitles projected)
 They've stolen billions in diamonds - she's dripping from head to toe...
in a sparkly madness of laughter--- 60's Porsche?- (or that GT/Bullit car)
 All in a Car - bouncing and swerving-- lights- facing the audience-- (with B/W projections from the 60's behind them--)...
They fall in love-- They fall apart---
I'm not sure what the The Hells Angels have to do with it--
but they stay in the title---

The End

(Is near ....)