Smoldering

Drawing by Pamela

Drawing by Pamela

I know it's bad for you...


But, this is when I wish,
I had a cigarette-
something I've never tried- (light up)
 some kind of relief..
I wish it was Italy 40 years ago--
The moon rising over the Amphitheater--
to tremendous applause... like Herzog (clap) 
Europeans don't seem to care about silly
 smoking laws?

We do what we want anyway -
behind closed doors--
Our true character, collective complexities.
childish activities -
patterns- genetics?

Attention deficit-
- ...SEX ... a lost art-- a sickness--
Perversions-
Lost sensuality -
The cruel smell of orange blossoms...
I love being in love-- but expectations,
 make it impossible to be happy-
or satisfied...
I've tried... so hard..
maybe it's not in fashion--
Tradition...just seemed so romantic...I guess it's a used up ideal --
for the old fashion...
not modern...frown emoticon 
Female security... lost-
no way--
Coded, and loaded Cell phones, 
Computers --
Ordering sex on line-
is like ordering a book on Amazon--
and ... snooping eats you alive--
A mirrored action. obsessive love...
unhealthy,
hopeless- knocked sideways--
There is always this feeling -
of discontent--
Like something is off...
I can't put my finger on why--
Who wants to be the Warden--
I want out of here-- out of this time --
in space--
 Grey, muted crystals,
 from unsavory places-
bad intentions,
 dull- no fire-- a secret life -
Laying in my hotel bed--
pulling up my stockings- carefully 
re-attaching to the garter- The Cuban heel- the line
 (right on course) 
the works...
Feeling a little guilty-
I started to fantasize--
Il Postino, Pablo Neruda-
Should I go to Capri--?


So frustrated--
burning... questions...
No man knows what to do with me--
I blame myself--
To play with me, is eternal--
I'm not 'on the clock' or...
on the 'payroll'--
rrrr--
I had to get out of the room-
 The velvet stuff and porcelain things
 closing in on me--
What have I done...?


I knew it was wrong from the start--
primitive-- base instinct..
Never marry a rich man...
Euros from a Vagabond..
Just start walking - (Like Jeanne Moreau and 
Miles Davis)
 Never look back-
 There is only beauty ahead,
 Salvation..
 Glory
Rushing...
 I almost forgot where I was-- shit--
My white 
Burberry trench -
- on the floor?


A Park-ay floor... 
(Narration by a deep voiced sexy black guy) 
BG- She stopped to admire it's clever design,
 ME- "So pretty"
BG wrapped herself up---
She snuck out the door with a quiet click,
 and Seamlessly, floating down the hall- (on wire) 
Her Tom Ford feet didn't
touch the ground--
Falling gracelessly into an elevator
playing Nat King Cole's.... Stardust? 
(remembering the movie) 
ME- "Fallen Angel?

"
BG Nobody was up yet-
out into the cool world she goes,
 ME-" Freedom...
I can breathe..."
BG- looking for a little human contact?


Playful seduction?

...
ME- "I'm so Hungry..."
 BG- Her heart was racing---
It was barely dawn --
Bathed in perfect light-
magic hour-- --
ME- "Everyone looks good this early" 
BG- Even cats and hummingbirds
 Was anyone watching her..
 She gazed up into dark windows...
to nobody...
and let the jacket fall loosely around
her shoulders...
The rush coming back- ...
a little lost on purpose,
 Hiding around corners,
 ME- so dangerous-
my body is on fire....
my body is never done-- trouble finds me--
please find me-
 The iron is always hot!"
 BG- She Leaned against the cool wall of a 
stoney church-
It felt good, soothing-
ME- I wonder how prostitution works-


Does it ever feel good?


Lost little souls - being taken advantage of--
or taking advantage of-
Is it just for money?

Is it for attention?


or --- both--
Women suffer-
- Everywhere...
rules, rules, rules--
conflicting needs..
I can't find the answers-- It's an epidemic--
I know I won't compete with a computer, PlayStation,
 or - a gaggle of Hollywood boys hiring poor
 Eastern stolen girls to swallow loaves of bread
up their anus'?

- and make them bark like seals --? 


How does that work?

"
BG- She was disturbed--
How far can she take this?

-- Is it even real?--


ME- "Have we lost men to thin air---
to the Abyss-- to technology and lube-
Flesh is attached to a heart and a brain-
takes effort...and skill...
Where are the great lovers?

-- A lost art...
God , I hope not...
 I've never been to Columbia-- Should I go?

- I really want to go! 
Is this Hysteria?

...
Objectification?


now-- Coming down from the ceiling, dripping in gold glitter--
Dancing with Nureyev- eyes closed---
the dream...
arousing my tenderness,
 A sweet rawness-
feeling bruised and scratched up--
Hypnotic -
Life is sensual-- not a "fix it in post"--
ME- I miss PLAYBOY-
The End of an Era--
Chivalry, elegance-
Celebrated imperfections -
differences... hot---passionate dreamy scenes...
The girl next door-- shyness-- "it's my first time" 
but - not my last....(wink)
-- I'm planning a mysterious coup--
Want to get in on it--
Julian Assange?


Is it healthy, to be fantasied about...
by many men --?


Isn't that the goal-
 How many can we effect --
It's natural-- to want to be desired--
The world creeps up on you--
 and there you are, 
ALL over the place-
 places you never intended to be-- (desert storm?)
(soldiers)
 I am human you know--
left to adjust to the madness-
 No mercy- pay the price-- my fault-
BG- feeling empty, sad-- withdrawn-
Left to Isolate-- Medicate.
 Go to sleep--
ME-NO! I wont- -
ME- You know- It's not freaky enough,
 to just be beautiful--
I've never felt beautiful-
I always felt sexual... and blind..
oh wowwy... I'm losing my mind--
I'm shutting down-- It's such a strange feeling...
going numb... in front of everyone----
It's like a Self inflicted drowning...hard to do--
(Alarm bells!!)---


When did I want to be this thing?

--
To attract what?


When did I go from a curious little girl,
 to an insatiable woman?

Girl on the run...
Femme fatale... devoted and....divided. 
Are we all going crazy?

-
or, is it just me?


Is it that stuff on unwashed vegetables?


When did I lose control over my own heart?

--
When did I start believing,
That this is all I'm good for-
against my better judgement--
fell for it- dammit- it all backfired--
It doesn't feel good to be used, neglected, ignored---
controlled....
I'm not doing this---
It's humiliating - I have to turn this around--
Settling is powerless- desperate--
an illusion--
Can't buy your way out of this one ...buddy!! 
I'm cold- 
(She can't stop laughing..)

Reminds me of a play I wrote --
That one about The Hell's Angels,
 starring -
Steve McQueen and Brigitte Bardot--

The Entr' Acte....

** A car chase-
 She is going on and on (in french) and
 He's just trying to have his way with her-
everything is double entree' Funny/Sexy-(subtitles projected)
 They've stolen billions in diamonds - she's dripping from head to toe...
in a sparkly madness of laughter--- 60's Porsche?- (or that GT/Bullit car)
 All in a Car - bouncing and swerving-- lights- facing the audience-- (with B/W projections from the 60's behind them--)...
They fall in love-- They fall apart---
I'm not sure what the The Hells Angels have to do with it--
but they stay in the title---

The End

(Is near ....)